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The Bastard Auditor From Hell

Discussion in 'The Library' started by Sergeant, Feb 20, 2011.

  1. Sergeant

    Sergeant Moderator

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    Okay, a little backstory. I am a big fan of the Bastard Operator From Hell (BOFH) stories. Recently I've been idly thinking of stories written from the perspective of a disgruntled night auditor in a similar vein of aforementioned stories, doing all the evil, underhanded and nasty things many people working the front desk (or any position for that matter) wish they could do to their guests and co-workers. This here is my first attempt. Apologies and thanks to Simon Travaglia for the inspiration.


    Just another day at the front desk. I’ve stood here every afternoon for the past several months cursing the fact that I gave up my night audit position because I wanted a change of pace. How shortsighted I was to think this change of pace would be good! Worse, some old man took over my shift who looks like he could turn to dust any minute. I suspect he’s a vampire, but he was only merely annoyed at the cross, holy water and assorted garlic bulbs that were anonymously delivered to him recently.

    I am thinking of ways to sabotage the copy machine for my own amusement when I hear the familiar squawk of those yet-to-be-fixed sliding doors opening. In strolls a very pretentious looking businessman followed by...well she has to be a girlfriend judging by the looks of her and him together, but she’s no looker either.

    “Hi, how may I help you?!” I say through a forced smile and clenched jaw.

    “Jones,” he sniffs at me, not even giving me the courtesy of eye contact.

    I give them a blank stare. Not giving me eye contact is one thing, but it truly pisses me off when someone barks their last name like that. Such a lack of courtesy, these people. After a moment he finally notices my disdainful look and mutters, “Checking in.”

    It takes this much time for me to notice his girlfriend has apparently marinated herself in perfume. I suppress my urge to gag and my smile fades very fast. I switch their free upgraded suite to a highway-view, third floor room with the broken balcony and send them on their way as quickly as possible.

    Suddenly the General Manager appears behind me. Aside from my Boss he is one I hate the most, but much more difficult to remove. He has this annoying trait of trying to be stealthy. He does this hoping to catch someone doing something wrong so he can pounce and justify his overpaid position with random acts of micromanagement.

    "Hello, Robert." He emphasizes my name with a huge Cheshire-cat smile. "Straighten up your name tag a bit. And try smiling at the guests more. After all, we need those satisfaction scores as high as possible!"

    He waddles off happy with himself while I happily imagine his body floating in the pool. I glance at the clock and notice the Boss is a half hour overdue from lunch. No doubt he’s having a quickie in a linen closet somewhere with his new girlfriend. Looks like I’m going to have to teach him a little lesson in proper shift scheduling.

    I’m beginning to wonder what the stapler tastes like when the door in the back office suddenly opens and I hear the Boss shuffling around in there. I peek around the corner at his red face and disheveled tie. And what a surprise, he’s even out of breath as if he’d just run a marathon. He gives me a condescending smirk and waves his hand dismissively at me to go to lunch.

    A half hour, a pint and sandwich later I’m back at the desk from which the Boss retreats and goes to hide in his office. The lazy bastard always tries to avoid doing anything remotely resembling work. Moments later I hear a loud KER-BLAM! followed by a short scream and a thud.

    I calmly pick up the phone and dial an ambulance. "There’s been a terrible accident!" I say to the dispatcher.

    Another half hour later and they’re wheeling the Boss away on a stretcher, his head with a bandage on it and he with a look on his face as if he’d just seen the world’s most beautiful lady.

    "What happened?!" the GM cried in bewilderment when he finally noticed the ambulance from his corner office. Probably too wrapped up surfing naughty websites.

    "Oh, it seems the pump on his office chair malfunctioned. Those particular models are nasty like that. High failure rate after a couple of years you know."

    "What?! We have those same chairs in the sales office!"

    "For how long?"

    "Buh...three years! They’re perfectly fine! We haven’t had a problem!"

    "Oh, yes, but after using them for so long extra air can build up in the hydraulics of the thing until the pressure is too much. Then one day you sit down and--"

    "I get it I get it!" he interrupted and hurriedly ran upstairs, no doubt to place a same-day rush order on some expensive models from the local furniture store. He had finally found his excuse to spend the department budget money.

    Later that night I’m loading two well-used but nice chairs into my truck.

    "Aren’t those the chairs the GM had me toss?" It’s the head of housekeeping. He’s as sneaky as the GM, but more malicious in his ways and three times as hard to get rid of. I would have thought the nasty incident with the floor buffer a few months ago would have done it, but no such luck. My guess is he’s out here to pilfer a chair for himself.

    "Oh. Yes. I’m just taking them out to, uh, properly relieve the pressure in them before they become more of a hazard."

    "Nice try."

    "Okay, okay, fine. You want one, too? I’ll help you get one out of the dumpster and clean it up."

    He eyes me suspiciously, but nonetheless grabs a chair to heave it over.


    He’s going to be plenty mad when he finally gets back from his impromptu weekend vacation at the dump. I just hope the sales office doesn’t notice that I switched their chair order to some cheap knock-offs notorious for their pumps exploding....
  2. whiskeyish

    whiskeyish Hotel Worker

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    As an aspiring PFY with monolithic multicoloured-logo internet company (please please please let me get this job), I approve of this post.
  3. polskatron

    polskatron Hotel Worker

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    Simply brilliant and full of great laughs! I hope this isn't your last...:fingersx:

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